Call Me Crazy

You can call me crazy but I'm not at all scared about my upcoming surgery.  I guess I've been through so many in the last couple years it is just another new scar kind of like a gunfighter's notch in his gun belt.  (I can't think what they call those thingys.)  Hopefully, this will be my last one and Mrs. Humpty Dumpty will be put back together again.  Now if they could only fix my face and stomach I'd be thrilled.  Isn't it funny how we judge ourselves by our appearance.  I ought to be happy I'm alive and licked the cancer but no I have to want to be perfect too.  Maybe I can wrap a bungee cord around my chin and bring everything back up so I look like I'm 35 again.  Something is going on in my head because I don't have the energy to do anything or go anywhere. My husband asked me the other night if I wanted to go out to a Mexican restaurant tonight. I jumped at the chance and said yes.  I know he forgot but I didn't even try to remind him. I just wanted to stay home where everything is safe and the norm.  Tonka took me for a walk today and she was out of control.  I kept yelling at her and the more I yelled the more she pulled. I finally just headed home.  See everything is out of whack.  Maybe I really am concerned about this week and I'm just fooling myself.  It isn't the surgery that scares me it is the anesthesia.  Ok, so after writing all of this maybe I'm not so strong after all. It is the elephant in the room again. 

I'm Tired

Sometimes, lately more times than not, I want to go back in time, be a little girl in the car with my parents. It is night time and we are on our way home from visiting a relative or friend.  I have my head on my mom's lap and she is stroking my hair and singing In The Garden or The Old Rugged Cross.  I look up at a passing hill and tell my mom I really do see the cross up there.  She whispers "I see it too.".  I lay back down and drift off to sleep listening to the road thump underneath the tires of the car.  Before long, my dad is carrying me in the house and I'm in my own warm cozy bed.  Nothing else matters.    Today I feel so tired, physically and mentally, that I just want to go back in time to when I was a little girl again.  I'm tired, I am so so tired.

There"s Always An Elephant In The Room

There's always  an elephant in the room but for each person the elephant means something different. Per Wilkipedia , the expression is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook; thus, people in the room who pretend the elephant is not there might be concerning themselves with relatively small and even irrelevant matters, compared to the looming big one. For me the elephant is cancer but for someone else it could be anything as trivial as a minor decision over a job to something as life controlling like alcoholism.  Seriously, I like elephants they are nice lumbersome creatures.  I even write children’s stories about a very special elephant.  So I suppose it all comes down to how you handle that elephant in your room.  Because if you don’t handle it early on that room will fill up with a lot of sh*t because as we all know sh*t happens and lots of it especially if you’re an elephant. So what is your elephant and how are you going to address it?

The Angel With The Funny Bone

In June 1993 my dear Uncle Harry left me a gift when he died.  No it wasn't in his will but it was a legacy of sorts. He left me a sister.  My cousin Bev and I reconnected after decades.  I knew of her through my Aunt Annie and Uncle Harry but never met her as an adult until June 1993.  When Uncle Harry became very ill from the cancer that would ultimately claim his life I made a phone call to Bev's mother's house, Carolyn.  It turned out Bev was there sorting through things in the attic. She picked up the phone and from that point on we were connected.  Over the years, Bev has talked and supported me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  I also have had some of the craziest times of my life with her.  Bev is the type of person who even if her life is in the toilet she will make another person laugh and feel good about themselves.  I sometimes think of Bev as an angel walking this earth.....an angel with a funny bone.  She has taken me under her wing so many times and healed a lot of hurt.  When Uncle Harry died I thought everything that I had held near and dear to me was gone but I was so wrong.  His legacy lives on in Bev, her mom and dad and her kids.  They adopted me when I needed them most. We gave Uncle Harry a great send off and then I started a new part of my life with my cousin who I eventually would call my sister by choice.  Bev is the type of person who can make me laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants.  Ok, so that is a little graphic but one visit with my Bevy and you will know what I mean.   She never will let me forget the first time we hiked up Hawk Mountain without water and I suggested we break branches off of the birch trees and chew on them.  Didn't help the thirst but it made a good story.  There was the time my oldest son at 13 got into a battle of wits with Bev.  It started over him shooting the paper from a straw at Bev and escalated into who could outdo who across many states.  I once shipped a box of tree frogs to Bev.  Unfortunately for the mailman some of them escaped in her truck.  Or the time she came to visit me,  my youngest son and her tormented  people in a nearby town with walkie talkies.  I was the victim of one of their gags.  Bevy asked me to hold her walkie talkie and wait in line to buy a pair of sandals.  The store was crowded with shoppers and tourists.  As I got up to the register, sandals and walkie talkie in hand, the sound of a toilet flushing came over the walkie talkie much to my embarrassment and my son and his Auntie Bev's delight. Bev also delights in God's gifts. She had never seen a hummingbird close up until her visit.  Each hummingbird that found its' way onto our porch brought the biggest smile to her face.  When Bev smiles at anything it is like sunshine. She doesn't know that she can bring the Light to a person just by her laugh or smile.   I found my way back to God  by watching my "sister's" faith and Light.  I learned again how to talk God everyday not  to ask for something from Him but to thank him for what I have from my family to a blue sky.  In the last several years both Bev and I have had a lot of hardships in our life mainly due to health but she has always been there to hold me up.  My youngest son loves the ground she walks on.  After all, she gave him his first secret driving lesson at 10.  Auntie Bev is his version of the movie MAME.  He is now grown and away in college but he always asks how is Auntie Bev.  Next time I see my sister by choice, my angel with the funny bone I'll have to walk behind her because I seriously wonder if she doesn't fly a little bit above the ground with those big angel wings God gave her.  I never fail to thank my Uncle Harry for his legacy, my sister Bev.