My Life?

A very dear person said to me today that I've had a hard life.  It struck me funny because I never thought of my life as hard.  It was just my life and the only one I knew.  I guess when fate deals us our "hand of cards" we either make do and play it through or fold.  I'm not a poker player but I can play a mean game of 500 rummy.  So whatever I've been dealt in my life I've learned to live through it. I really didn't think I had a different choice.  It's ok though because I wouldn't be the gal that I am without all the trials and tribulations as well as the great times.  I've learned that "stuff" isn't important.  I have certain belongings that I wouldn't want to be without, like the table my computer sits on was my Aunt Annies.  A grandfather clock down in the family room hallway was her grandfather's It doesn't work but it reminds me everyday that it belonged to my great great grand pappy (yes he was called Pappy).  William or Civil War Willy as I refer to him (hope he approves up there) was one of the first men in our county to enter the Civil War. He helped lay a corner stone for the Pennsylvania monument in Gettysburg.  Aunt Annie went to work in the mills when she was ten years old. My grandfather carried a sack of tools on his back and walked his way around the county as a plumber.  My dad would be beaten by his father for the littlest of things.    During WWII he was a draftsman for Brown Instrument. Because he didn't wear a uniform people treated him poorly. They didn't know that he was working for the war effort designing submarines. All these people, all the experiences they have had, has made me who I am.  All the battles I have fought in my life makes me stronger and I guess in the end that's just my life.

PS: Sometimes in your life you are given that second chance to have long ago questions answered.  Not the "what ifs" but the "did they know" questions.  It still leaves the "if only I had known" but that can't be addressed.  Today I had that second chance to view life through the "V" in the tree.  Thank you!

My Mind Is In A Tizzy State

Since I was diagnosed with cancer I kind of felt like the artistic side of me was extracted as well as the cancerous side. But slowly it started coming back this winter and just within the last two days it has been like an avalanche of ideas. I want to write but at the same time I want to take pictures but at the same time I want to work on pictures I've already taken, etc. etc. etc. I sit here in my son's room in a little corner with my puter on my Great Aunt Annie's table and I'm as happy as a clam. I really don't like clams so make that as a puppy with a chew toy. I found a writers contest for children's stories through our North Carolina Arts but do I really want to submit the story to a contest or go straight for the throat and submit it to publishers. I've read some of them to my fan club, my granddaughter Samantha and great niece Zoe, and they love them. I know after letting Snorgy sit for a few months they have to be tweaked. I originally started out writing this for my new grandson Dylan. When my daughter was a baby her Aunt Paige gave her a stuffed blue dog that was named Morgy. Over the years I have remade that stuffed dog so many times to keep it from falling apart. It has been loved more than the Velveteen Rabbit. The last time it was put together the body was made of my son Tristan's favorite footed pajamas and his brother Trevor's baby gown. Since Tristan is 27 and Trevor is 20 you know how long ago that had to be. It now sits on a shelf in Samantha's room. And so Snorgy was born because we couldn't have another Morgy. I love Elephants so it was easy to choose especially when I found a little stuffed elephant for Dylan. I am just rambling on right now. So being in the Tizzy state I am I tend to have two programs open on the computer at the same time, Microsoft Works and Adobe Photoshop and my poor puter is about to have a nervous breakdown. I type faster than I write and so it is easier to pour my heart into a story through the keyboard. I guess that is my blog for today. I don't want to talk about depression, snow, illness or anything else just my Tizzy brain.

Chili and Cornbread

Sometimes we can't do anything for a person especially when they have depression. One thing I can do is give them comfort food. Today I started a big pot of chili in my old cast iron dutch oven. My husband took notice and started to help me. I thought it was a good sign but it was just a glimmer. He went back upstairs to his computer. So I threw together homemade cornbread with jalapenos and Mexican cheese melted until nice and brown on top. I guess the smell of it brought him downstairs. Comfort food is good medicine but not a miracle. Right now I'm at a loss as to how to help. I am frustrated and yes a bit angry which I guess is a human response. I want to yell "Why the hell do you feel this way when you have so much in your life?" But that won't help and it might do more harm. Sometimes I wonder if my youngest son didn't choose to be a psychologist because of how dysfunctional his family is. We definitely do NOT put the FUN in dysfunctional. Between his "blood" family and his "step" family there are enough nuts in the family to start an orchard. So what do I do about it, not much. Long ago I was a flaming co-dependent but no more. I learned you can't change people, places or things and you certainly have no control over them.

Depression

Depression doesn't effect only the person who suffers from it but also the people around them. It is so difficult to see someone you love be enveloped by that black cloak of despair. Life could be going fine but still something within their brain says it isn't fine. I was asked today "How can you be so happy?" It took me a long time to reach this point in my life and I choose to try and see things on the positive. I try to be greatful for what is around me. No I'm not always positive and sometimes my anger just takes hold so bad that I have to go for a walk or I'll explode. Right now I'm angry at what some professionals have done to my husband's life and how they lie about it and don't take responsibility for their actions. They aren't dealing with the after effects but I am and I'm angry not because I have to do it. I choose to do it, he is my husband. I am angry that they did this to him. So I hold on and hope I can get him through it. I had to do it on my own years ago but he doesn't. He isn't alone even though he wants to be. That is what is so sad.