November 2, 2012

Hello my friend,  it has been too long since I have visited here.  Once again I write of the Elephant in the room.  This time, IT has attacked my sister.  My sister and I grew up in a small town and had an older brother.  My sister and I did not get along like so many sisters.  We had our moments though.  Our parents took us camping and often our group of kids, the older ones for her and my age group, got into the same amount of trouble.  I wasn't the best sister to her either.  Once out of anger I put goldenrod under her bed.  She was very allergic to ragweed.  I threw rocks at her boyfriends car the night they went "parking" down the old back dirt road near our house.  I was 4 years younger than her and as jealous of her as she was of me.  Then something strange happened, we both grew up.  Our first vacation together was after I graduated from high school.  She took me to Disney World for a whole week. It was 1973 and Orlando was still a small Florida town.  We rented a Firebird and had a ball.   I moved to Florida to go to school. Paige worked for the airline so she would fly down every weekend.  More often than not she would write me a check for $20 which would bounce.  That was just Paige.  It wasn't a bad check if it was written to family.  I got married, bought a home and my sister still came to visit.  We got along, it was a miracle.  I became pregnant and  had a little girl, my sister turned into a Jewish Mother. (No we aren't Jewish but she became over protective.)  When my daughter was ten months old I went to Boston for 2 weeks to see my sister.  We went all over New England. It was the best trip I ever had.  At one point we drove to Maine and got live lobsters. On the way back to Boston they got out of their container and crawled around the back of her car only inches from my baby girl.  We laughed our heads off as I tried to get them cornered back in their bag.  My lil girl learned to walk in Boston right in my sister's apartment.  I flew home and life changed again.   Our mother got sick, it was the Elephant in the room.  If I don't say the word Cancer then it isn't there....just like the elephant. We all went to Pennsylvania that summer to spend a few weeks with mom and dad.  It was the first time my lil girl went camping.  The whole family was together.   Mom got weaker and passed away.  My sister, the oldest of us, felt the most alone.  Another child was born, my son, and I tried in my sorrow to still be there for my sister but we slowly grew apart.  Seven years later on my mom's birthday my youngest son was born.  He is so much like my mom but stronger.   Forward twenty years, I had a failed marriage and a divorce.  I met someone new, we moved away and my sister and I reconnected.  It wasn't easy but the relationship came together again.  We became close although I still remained the critical one, the so called stronger of the two.  Now I look back and want to scream at myself "what the hell were you thinking why not just shut up".  I think she forgives me for being the bully.  We had a fun summer last year. She stayed up for 6 weeks and explored our new state. She bought a piece of property with her husband and dreamed of building a new home there.  This summer she came for only a week.  I was dissapointed and showed it.  She was becoming weaker from the MS or so we thought.  Today she is in ICU waiting for tests that will tell us how bad the cancer is.  I don't want to be alone. I am praying for her cure. I'm selfish and I hurt so bad.  I hate the elephant.  Why doesn't it just leave us alone?