First Time In A Very Long Time

For the first time in a very long time my three children are together.  For reasons I don't want to go into, they spent the last ten years apart except for occasional short visits here at my house.  I have to admit I was nervous about them all getting together.  There is a lot of blame and anger there directed at me and I didn't want "T" to pay for it.  I also feel very lonely right now which makes no sense.  I'm withdrawn when I should be celebrating my children's time together.  Tomorrow "T" leaves for Italy with his brother for his brother's wedding.  It is another wedding of my children's that I am not part of.  This hurts so much and I know that there is nothing I can do about it but suffer quietly.  My daughter married ten years ago. I had always planned a beautiful wedding for my daughter but that wasn't to be.  She was expecting Samantha and so she could get on her future husband's insurance she had to get married by a certain weekend in June.  We planned a simple but pretty wedding at the park but I ruined it for her.  I ended up in the hospital, the doctor's wouldn't let me leave the hospital to attend the wedding. Someone from the hospital suggested she get married in the solarium which I thought would be beautiful.  My baby girl agreed probably reluctantly. When the day came I was wheeled down to the "solarium" only to find out it was a dull drab old hospital room with some old chairs and dirty windows.  Nothing was said but I knew she was disappointed.   They all went out to a restaurant to celebrate while I was wheeled back to my room.  I should have known then that I wouldn't be a part of their "inner" lives anymore.  Truthfully I couldn't afford to go to Italy for my son's wedding but it would have been nice to feel like I was wanted there.  Perhaps what I am feeling right now is not being wanted by the people in my life I need to be wanted by the most, two of my three children.