My Life?

A very dear person said to me today that I've had a hard life.  It struck me funny because I never thought of my life as hard.  It was just my life and the only one I knew.  I guess when fate deals us our "hand of cards" we either make do and play it through or fold.  I'm not a poker player but I can play a mean game of 500 rummy.  So whatever I've been dealt in my life I've learned to live through it. I really didn't think I had a different choice.  It's ok though because I wouldn't be the gal that I am without all the trials and tribulations as well as the great times.  I've learned that "stuff" isn't important.  I have certain belongings that I wouldn't want to be without, like the table my computer sits on was my Aunt Annies.  A grandfather clock down in the family room hallway was her grandfather's It doesn't work but it reminds me everyday that it belonged to my great great grand pappy (yes he was called Pappy).  William or Civil War Willy as I refer to him (hope he approves up there) was one of the first men in our county to enter the Civil War. He helped lay a corner stone for the Pennsylvania monument in Gettysburg.  Aunt Annie went to work in the mills when she was ten years old. My grandfather carried a sack of tools on his back and walked his way around the county as a plumber.  My dad would be beaten by his father for the littlest of things.    During WWII he was a draftsman for Brown Instrument. Because he didn't wear a uniform people treated him poorly. They didn't know that he was working for the war effort designing submarines. All these people, all the experiences they have had, has made me who I am.  All the battles I have fought in my life makes me stronger and I guess in the end that's just my life.

PS: Sometimes in your life you are given that second chance to have long ago questions answered.  Not the "what ifs" but the "did they know" questions.  It still leaves the "if only I had known" but that can't be addressed.  Today I had that second chance to view life through the "V" in the tree.  Thank you!

My Mind Is In A Tizzy State

Since I was diagnosed with cancer I kind of felt like the artistic side of me was extracted as well as the cancerous side. But slowly it started coming back this winter and just within the last two days it has been like an avalanche of ideas. I want to write but at the same time I want to take pictures but at the same time I want to work on pictures I've already taken, etc. etc. etc. I sit here in my son's room in a little corner with my puter on my Great Aunt Annie's table and I'm as happy as a clam. I really don't like clams so make that as a puppy with a chew toy. I found a writers contest for children's stories through our North Carolina Arts but do I really want to submit the story to a contest or go straight for the throat and submit it to publishers. I've read some of them to my fan club, my granddaughter Samantha and great niece Zoe, and they love them. I know after letting Snorgy sit for a few months they have to be tweaked. I originally started out writing this for my new grandson Dylan. When my daughter was a baby her Aunt Paige gave her a stuffed blue dog that was named Morgy. Over the years I have remade that stuffed dog so many times to keep it from falling apart. It has been loved more than the Velveteen Rabbit. The last time it was put together the body was made of my son Tristan's favorite footed pajamas and his brother Trevor's baby gown. Since Tristan is 27 and Trevor is 20 you know how long ago that had to be. It now sits on a shelf in Samantha's room. And so Snorgy was born because we couldn't have another Morgy. I love Elephants so it was easy to choose especially when I found a little stuffed elephant for Dylan. I am just rambling on right now. So being in the Tizzy state I am I tend to have two programs open on the computer at the same time, Microsoft Works and Adobe Photoshop and my poor puter is about to have a nervous breakdown. I type faster than I write and so it is easier to pour my heart into a story through the keyboard. I guess that is my blog for today. I don't want to talk about depression, snow, illness or anything else just my Tizzy brain.

Chili and Cornbread

Sometimes we can't do anything for a person especially when they have depression. One thing I can do is give them comfort food. Today I started a big pot of chili in my old cast iron dutch oven. My husband took notice and started to help me. I thought it was a good sign but it was just a glimmer. He went back upstairs to his computer. So I threw together homemade cornbread with jalapenos and Mexican cheese melted until nice and brown on top. I guess the smell of it brought him downstairs. Comfort food is good medicine but not a miracle. Right now I'm at a loss as to how to help. I am frustrated and yes a bit angry which I guess is a human response. I want to yell "Why the hell do you feel this way when you have so much in your life?" But that won't help and it might do more harm. Sometimes I wonder if my youngest son didn't choose to be a psychologist because of how dysfunctional his family is. We definitely do NOT put the FUN in dysfunctional. Between his "blood" family and his "step" family there are enough nuts in the family to start an orchard. So what do I do about it, not much. Long ago I was a flaming co-dependent but no more. I learned you can't change people, places or things and you certainly have no control over them.

Depression

Depression doesn't effect only the person who suffers from it but also the people around them. It is so difficult to see someone you love be enveloped by that black cloak of despair. Life could be going fine but still something within their brain says it isn't fine. I was asked today "How can you be so happy?" It took me a long time to reach this point in my life and I choose to try and see things on the positive. I try to be greatful for what is around me. No I'm not always positive and sometimes my anger just takes hold so bad that I have to go for a walk or I'll explode. Right now I'm angry at what some professionals have done to my husband's life and how they lie about it and don't take responsibility for their actions. They aren't dealing with the after effects but I am and I'm angry not because I have to do it. I choose to do it, he is my husband. I am angry that they did this to him. So I hold on and hope I can get him through it. I had to do it on my own years ago but he doesn't. He isn't alone even though he wants to be. That is what is so sad.

Doctors

Over the last four years, Lord knows we have spent countless hours in doctors offices, ERs, hospitals and diagnostic facilities. Many of our doctors have been great, life savers in fact. What really frosts me is the exception who act as if our coming to their office is an intrusion of their time. This week my husband had an appointment with our family doctor. Now it is hard to get my husband to go back to the doctor after spending two years off and on in the hospital but I dug my heels in and made him go. Now he had 4 things he needed to discuss with the doctor, two were only a request for referrals which is required by our HMO. (You don't want me to get started on insurance companies.) We waited an hour in the waiting room to see the doctor. Our appointment was for 2:45PM but it wasn't until almost 4PM that we actually got to go into the exam room. My husband wanted me in with him because the one thing on the list was a very delicate and hard symptom to discuss with the doctor. My late father in law passed away from Alzheimers. The doctor comes in, turns on his laptop, looks very frustrated and turns and says "you haven't been here since Sept of 2008". Ok so thankfully hubby didn't have any issues to go to the doctor other than his specialists. Strike 1, Doctor is trying to make us feel like we have done something wrong. My husband tells him he has a list of 4 things to discuss with Doctor. Strike 2 Doctor looks angry and turns to my husband and says "I can only listen to two of the issues on your list." Well I saw red because I know what we had to go through to get to the point that my husband would come and talk to the doctor. So my husband tells him the first thing on the list. He has ringing in his ears and loss of hearing. Doctor says "Why did you wait so long if it bothered you. You need to see a specialist." Duh that is why we need the referral. What is the other thing on your list? By this time I could see my husband was getting frustrated so instead of telling the doctor the main thing we were there for he mentioned the other reason for the need for a referral. He needs a new CPAP machine. Doctor gets up, writes something on a paper, hands it to my husband and says "Come back in a month." He opens the door and leaves. I'm dumbfounded. Out to the waiting room we walk were we have to stand in another line to check out. I decided to walk out on the porch for fear I'm going to exploded. On the way home in the car my husband said it was lucky he wasn't having a heart attack with symptoms of A. pain down his arm, B. tightness in his chest, C. cold sweats because he would only been allowed to tell our dear doctor only two of the symptoms. Strike 3 We get home and on our answering machine is 2 calls about referrals one for a hearing specialist but they don't leave the name of the doctor or number and the other is a company that delivers oxygen. Dear Doctor couldn't even get the friggin referrals right. There goes $25.00 for an office visit down the drain, 2 hours in the car to get to the doctors and back and a whole day gone. I think it is time to find us a new doctor.

If for some reason this every gets ready by anyone in the medical profession I hope you learn from it. Patients aren't cattle, we aren't idiots or unnecessary human beings on this earth. Patients are people who are in some form of crisis whether it is a simple cold to a major heart attack or cancer. We come to the doctors for help to not only be cured but also to receive some kind of compassion to alleviate the angst we have. I remember when my husband was in intensive care a couple years ago. He said there was a nurse there who complained constantly that she had to take care of a man who was almost 300 pounds and another young man who was in a fetal position after a car accident. She acted as if it was beneath her to care for the men and talked about them as if they were creatures. He heard it all even though he was in and out of consciousness. Patients hear what you say. We know you are just another human being but you have chosen a profession that puts you in the situation to not only cure but care for your patient.

As Confuscious said " Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself."

It is like a version of the Golden Rule we learned as a child. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

When Will I Learn

True to form when I feel good I overdo it, when I over do it I get sick and I pay for it. DUMB DUMB DUMB but I wouldn't have missed going down into the woods for anything. I would have liked to miss the climb back up out of them though. I don't like to tell people when I'm hurting or sick for reasons. Usually my red cheeks with the telltale butterfly/wolf mask rats me out. Tonight I told someone and right away I wanted to run and hide because they knew how I felt. Go back in time 14 years and that's when my Ex started taking over the care of his sick wife. He told the doctors about my symptoms, actually he made up symptoms that were a lot worse than what I had. In turn the doctors believed the "loving husband" so prescribed even more drugs. I slept for two year and was in a wheel chair for two more of those years. One day I got angry at my life, went to see my doctor and asked him to take me off of all the prescriptions except what was absolutely necessary. I started going to accupuncture. I got back on my horse and off the drugs. I stayed angry but I became focused. I dropped tons of weight which the steroids put on. I started questioning a lot of things, got nosey and broke into emails. My cousin Bevy called me Sherlock but the more I dug the more things became clear Elementary My Dear Watson. On our 25th wedding anniversary he told me he would agree to the divorce that I wanted. He said it was for the best because he was still young and healthy and I wasn't healthy so it would be better for him. Can I post bastard here? lol I was pleased as punch best anniversary present I ever got. I'm still gun shy though at people knowing if I'm sick. I have to be strong not only for everyone else but to protect myself. That's who this girl has become and it is ok.

I'll still go out and overdo it on days I feel great and then pay for it for days after. I still don't use my common sense when it comes to that. But if you wake up in pain everyday and your good days are the pain that would put the normal person in bed it is only natural on those days you just want to fly. I'm not writing this looking for pity, absolutely not! There are millions of people worse off than me. I'm just writing it to air my brain out. lol

Feelings

My feelings come out in the music I listen to and also what I write. I'm so confused right now. I love the life I have, my home, my family but there in the back is that 14 year old girl. It is as if I see her standing there just out of the corner of my eye. The tears she cried, the laughter she felt, the first time she heard her name called, caught the eye of that someone special and the ache. She is there and always will be there. I close my eyes and see her standing at night at her bedroom window looking out and wondering why she was alone again. This woman isn't alone and she is loved but the young girl still hurts. Do we ever heal the emptiness of long ago?

Will Of The Wind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgEAHtld9fM