Secrets

The past two nights I slept poorly.  I had horrible dreams and I think I know what is behind it. My secrets are haunting me. It is like the fog outside my window coming in and smothering me.  It weighs heavily upon me like the fog sitting on the mountaintops.  Because of it I find it hard to be totally free with myself and happy.  Isn't a good place for me to be in right now.  Not only does it cause me mental pain but physical too because I've never been good about secrets.  At Xmas and Birthdays  I've always liked to give hints and tease the person about what their perfect present was going to be.  This isn't the same what I carry inside.  Talking to Bevy helped some but not enough.  I think it is time to talk to myself.

Why

The sky is grey, it is windy out and I feel lazy. Like I told a friend, I don't want to do anything but I have so much to do.  I keep hearing that song from Rascal Flats in my head about "going back to Mayberry".  I had a couple requirements when we moved to the mountains, a small town, little crime and I could hold the phone book in my hand. Well our phone book is the size of a comic book.  People here get arrested from just threatening to punch another person. There is crime, especially drugs but it isn't like the area of Florida I came from.  The town is very small, too small now.  There is no Mayberry.  There is a Mt. Airy where Andy came from but there is no Mayberry.  Why when we reach an age to we want to go back, to find that 1960s sitcom?  It doesn't exist and it is stupid to look for it.  Why now am I disillusioned?  I think maybe life is catching up with me.  I have everything I wanted but did I need everything I got?

I wish I could go back

In the summer when I was a little girl growing up on Arch Street it was grand.  After dinner and after the dishes had all been washed and put away all the grown ups would go out to their respective porches.  If they didn't have a big porch they'd sit on the stoop (as it was called).  The men would be smoking their cigars or cigarettes (it was long before we knew they could kill us). The mothers or grandmothers would be in their house dresses. Some even had their hair already set in pin curls.  The kids would be playing hopscotch, jump rope or with their rubber balls or hula hoops.  Suddenly all at once each kid heard the bell or the music of the ice cream man.  In our neighborhood it was Mr. Softee. I don't think I have to this day tasted any better soft serve vanilla ice cream than what I got at Mr. Softee's truck.  All the kids would sit on the curb comparing notes on who got what and who would get something different the next night.  I didn't know then but it was quite a budget stretch for my parents back then to give me that nickle or dime for the ice cream man.  My mom and dad were great.  After we were done consuming our treats we would go back to playing with our sticky hands and faces.  Then it would get dark and the lightning bugs would come out.  We would run around and scream as each of us caught one. Usually the girls would let them go but most of the boys would squish them on the pavement to see the "lightning magic goo".  Oh I wish I could go back to that time for just a little bit.

ROSES FOR GYPSEY

ROSES FOR GYPSEY

 Today I vowed I wasn’t going to go out in the sun and I would take it easy because of a long day tomorrow.  But, as usual, I changed my plans. It started as I was sitting on the swing with Bert this morning.  Matilda started digging in my garden which I tried to stop her.  Then Bert came up with the idea, let her dig up the area we need for the tomatoes.  I got the shovel dug a simple hole and away she went.  I had the shovel in my hand so I might as well use it.  I had been wanting to move my roses to Gypsey’s grave ever since she passed away on Thanksgiving.  Gypsey was my malamute who was the best dog in the world. She was right up there with my other dog Misty I had when I was a teenager.   Sometimes you are especially lucky and get one pet in your life that is Heaven sent. I was lucky twice I had Misty who stayed by my mom’s side with both bouts of cancer and then  died shortly after mom died.  Gypsey  did the same for me but she also divided her time between my husband when he was sick at the same time.  It is like they know you need them.  You need a special comfort only an innocent animal can give. That is what Gypsey did for me.  Gypsey didn’t have a long life as most dogs do.  It was our fault. We spoiled her terribly and she became overweight too overweight. She also had joint problems and I walked her too far after her surgery and did permanent damage.  I’m always good at carrying around guilt but I also accept blame.  So although her life was short with us, six and a half years, it was good. We had rescued her from the pound when she was about two.   Trevor and I drove almost three hours to get to the pound where she was at. The minute we walked in and saw her in the cage she started howling. She pushed all the other dogs out of the way so that Trevor could get to her.  From then on she was by our side constantly. She was  especially there for me when we took the long walks in the woods on the mountain.  There are places I have walked to this Spring that brings tears to my eyes because I remember her sitting there patiently waiting for me to try and get a picture.  Every morning I see my husband walk over to her grave and look down. He then walks away quietly. I talk to her all the time when I walk over there. I suppose some people reading this would think we are crazy so let them.  When an innocent animal gives so much of themselves to a person it is only normal to carry that pet with them in their heart daily.  Back to Matilda, she started digging around the roses I wanted to transplant. Silly dog didn’t care about the thorns she just dug and dug and dug.   I took the hint and started digging with her.  In a short hour we had dug up all the roses on the hill, trimmed them and started on Gypsey’s grave.  I moved the big stones that Trevor had put on them last November and begin to dig into the earth.  At first I was worried but I remembered there was cement on top of Gypsey so I went ahead.  This time Matilda didn’t help she just sat there and watched. It was strange the way she just looked down and watched me scoop up each shovel of dirt. This dog loves to dig and for her to not touch this area was strange.  There are now about ten rose bushes all grouped together on Gypsey’s grave.  The rocks have been repositioned in a circle to protect the roses.   She now has the little garden I promised her when we buried her facing up to the mountain.  I hope you love the roses Gypsey as much as I loved you.  Rest easy my friend.

Sometimes

Sometimes I like looking back. It seemed like all I ever wanted to do was get out of the small town I grew up in.  Yet, now, I find myself looking back.  I enjoy searching Ebay for things that have to do with my hometown.  I was excited today because I found a 1933 high school annual of the year mom graduated.  I have so little personal information of her from when she was a young girl.  My dad was the same, close mouthed.  I look occasionally for things about his hometown and did find my great uncle's post office.  Well it belonged to the government but he ran it and his house was right next to that.  To this day I can't stand the smell of tomatoes being canned because of my great aunt.  I suffer from migraines even as a child and on a visit out to Blandburg I had a doozy.  My aunt was preserving tomatoes and I laid on the back lawn with my head in the creek to one keep it cool and the other in case I lost what  little was in my stomach. lol   So sometimes it is nice to look back at all the people we loved in our life.

SHE

She tries to remember the first time She saw him.  It was over forty years ago and her memory fails her.  But She remembers the feeling.  It is the feeling that stayed with her all these years.  The feelings bring back some memories and it is from that which She pieces together the puzzle.  She remembers his eyes sweet but tinged with a little sadness. His strong chin and his smile.  She knew from the start that He would be special for her. She didn’t know it but she fell in love with him that moment they met.  She went home and stood in front of a mirror saying his name over and over again.  She was so young She didn’t know what had begun.  He was special to her, gentle and quiet.  He was a little too quiet because She never knew how he felt.  They were a match.  One night her mother caught them kissing and sent him home. She cried herself to sleep after her mother’s scolding.  Nice girls did not kiss in front of a window for everyone to see her mother said.  She thought something was wrong with her. How could anything so sweet be so bad?  She saw him everyday at school. She knew when he was near because her heart pounded.   She knew nothing about love. That wasn’t spoken of in her home.  He would be with her in her yard at night. He would look at her through the V in the tree and She would melt.  One day She went to meet him. She dressed especially sharp in her new hip hugger jeans, a pink shirt and a sharp belt. They sat together on a couch in his “fort” as She would later think of it.  She thought they would kiss and hold each other more but He was quiet again. She thought he didn’t love her. He had never said it to her but She felt like it could be love.  One day, She started getting hateful notes.  She was told He didn’t like her that He felt sorry for her but couldn’t break up with her. They kept coming and the notes kept getting worse.  One day, one very very painful day She  said goodbye to him.  That night and many many  more nights after that. She cried herself to sleep. She would see him in the hallway at school but couldn’t talk to him. She didn’t know how. She still loved him so very much.  He found someone new.  That someone was the person who started the rumors and the notes that He had been cheating on her.    She felt so betrayed yet she still cared.  She dated other boys, some good some bad none like him.  She moved away but never forgot him.  Over they years She would think of him, call his name out when She was alone.  She felt so alone since saying goodbye to him.  Even after She married and had children She  thought of him often. She thought she was crazy to carry on that way. She never ever told anyone.  Years later She met someone new and he took her away from the sadness.  Then one day She heard the boy’s name again.  She didn’t know what to do.  She was older now and she was happy.   She still doesn’t know what to do or think. What She does know is He still thought of her. 

DAFFODILS

Spring is here in the Blue Ridge.  Down the mountain the trees are all in bloom with flowers but up here we are "late bloomers".  There is one thing here that I have never ever noticed anywhere else and that is daffodils growing wild.  My mom used to plant her daffodil bulbs every year for her Spring garden. I always thought you had to plant them, buy the bulbs in a store and plant them in the garden and wait.  Up here it is as if God took a paintbrush dipped it in yellow paint and dotted the countryside with daffodils.  They grow up the mountain, in cow pastures, along streams, along the roadside just about everywhere.  When I see them it means Spring is here but it doesn't mean the snow has stopped. Each Spring we have had snow after the daffodils bloom but at least they are there poking their yellow heads up saying.....you can't hold Spring back.